Every night I say I'm going to get a good nights sleep.
Every night I end up wasting my time doing something far less rewarding.
Like updating a blog.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Everything.
I have a lot of thoughts going 'round in my head, that for no reason of consequence I'd like to get down on virtual paper.
Sometimes, I'll look in the mirror and say "Who are you?" until, like a Magic Eye poster, my view shifts and I see myself from an outside view. Completely apart from my own conscious, as if I'm a third party to my own head. And it is terrifying and strange to think of myself not as the center of my own universe, but one person like any other, living life and making choices that shape it. It's the moment that I realize what makes us so special is that we really do think mostly about ourselves simply because that is who we spend the most time with. It's odd to think about it as spending time with yourself, but it's true. I have conversations in my head all the time. More often than not it's just called 'thinking'.
I don't know where it started, this desire to make people happy. Or how I can be so good and so incredibly awful at it. Or why I think that people wont be just as happy with me if I don't alter myself to how I think they'd like to see me. Speaking with a friend yesterday, I said it was akin to controlling a soundboard. I never pretend to be someone I'm not, but I do mute parts of myself while turning up others, depending on who I'm with. All to create the perfect compliment for my company. That's why it's hard for me to be around many people at once. I don't do well dividing my attention between people. It's hard to be a happy medium for me.
I know that some may say that that is what having a wide variety of friends is for, so that you have someone for all the different parts of yourself. Someone to go hiking with, to play boardgames, to get excited about chick flicks, to pretend to be homeless with :) I guess that I'm always going to be on a search for someone that I can be around with everything at full volume, if you will. Maybe it doesn't exist, and that it's asking for too much. In fact, i know it is. Most things in life are a compromise. I don't believe that that is going to stop me from wanting that companion.
The reason I feel I'm dreadful at pleasing people is because I can't keep it up. It becomes something that I need to run away from. I want so much to make other people feel good, even at my own expense, that I continue to do so until I can't take it anymore. At which case, i stop being the person that makes them happy and everything they thought they had is suddenly gone. And with all the happiness, a power is created to make them feel like shit. What I need to do is to not go beyond my own means in being someone for someone else. Find the line between selfless and selfish.
I read an article that said the cure for all of the things that you need to do but have put off is to just do them, because once you do you feel really accomplished. And it's true. But its the getting that inertia that is the hardest part for me. Continually.
I had so many more thoughts, but I got distracted.
Sometimes, I'll look in the mirror and say "Who are you?" until, like a Magic Eye poster, my view shifts and I see myself from an outside view. Completely apart from my own conscious, as if I'm a third party to my own head. And it is terrifying and strange to think of myself not as the center of my own universe, but one person like any other, living life and making choices that shape it. It's the moment that I realize what makes us so special is that we really do think mostly about ourselves simply because that is who we spend the most time with. It's odd to think about it as spending time with yourself, but it's true. I have conversations in my head all the time. More often than not it's just called 'thinking'.
I don't know where it started, this desire to make people happy. Or how I can be so good and so incredibly awful at it. Or why I think that people wont be just as happy with me if I don't alter myself to how I think they'd like to see me. Speaking with a friend yesterday, I said it was akin to controlling a soundboard. I never pretend to be someone I'm not, but I do mute parts of myself while turning up others, depending on who I'm with. All to create the perfect compliment for my company. That's why it's hard for me to be around many people at once. I don't do well dividing my attention between people. It's hard to be a happy medium for me.
I know that some may say that that is what having a wide variety of friends is for, so that you have someone for all the different parts of yourself. Someone to go hiking with, to play boardgames, to get excited about chick flicks, to pretend to be homeless with :) I guess that I'm always going to be on a search for someone that I can be around with everything at full volume, if you will. Maybe it doesn't exist, and that it's asking for too much. In fact, i know it is. Most things in life are a compromise. I don't believe that that is going to stop me from wanting that companion.
The reason I feel I'm dreadful at pleasing people is because I can't keep it up. It becomes something that I need to run away from. I want so much to make other people feel good, even at my own expense, that I continue to do so until I can't take it anymore. At which case, i stop being the person that makes them happy and everything they thought they had is suddenly gone. And with all the happiness, a power is created to make them feel like shit. What I need to do is to not go beyond my own means in being someone for someone else. Find the line between selfless and selfish.
I read an article that said the cure for all of the things that you need to do but have put off is to just do them, because once you do you feel really accomplished. And it's true. But its the getting that inertia that is the hardest part for me. Continually.
I had so many more thoughts, but I got distracted.
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