Musing.

I have spent the last eight years on my life in a string of committed relationships. A loop of coincidence, continually finding people to capture my mind and heart. But all of them fell short in one way or another.

Do you ever make excuses for people? Of course you do. We all do. It's caulk we use to fill the gaps of our relationships. Most people call this compromise, which I'm fully supportive of when necessary. But I'm fucking sick of it. I look back at my past relationships and think "What the fuck was I smoking to think that this could have worked?". And I'm going to tell you exactly what I found.

We bonded over our love of music, and the importance of lyrics. The way they could often say the things we couldn't find words for. We were each other's first love, first heartbreak, first experience of moving on.

You never questioned me. If something was, it just WAS. I can wake up every day being happy knowing that you exist in the world, and finding warmth in your happiness even if it isn't with me.

We waxed intelligent, and fell in love with each others knowledge. Proper grammar and spelling was our foreplay. We were bank in fifty-cent words and useless trivia.

You were kind. You cared for everyone before yourself, and you understood the importance of family and why I keep mine so close.

You were a mystery. I never tired of learning more about you. It wasn't an angle, either. You just held your cards close until someone cared enough to ask you to share. You always knew the importance of the little things in life.

I never knew passion until I met you. I thought I had. I really did. But the moment we couldn't breathe because we were close to other, I realize how wrong that assumption was. You showed me that I'm not broken, and that I can orgasm during sex. You've been the only one to find me attractive BECAUSE of the ass my momma gave me and that I'm not always the girl who gets the second glance, not learn to love it. You always made me feel beautiful, and neverendingly WANTED. Our affair started because of the communication. Being open and free to ask what you were thinking, knowing I would get the truth, was absolutely intoxicating. Words have never been so sexy.

You had the body I never knew I wanted. For a brief moment, I felt completely superficial and in awe that I was with someone that I found so attractive. Just looking at you made me ready. I'm sad that our history was so brief.

You were everything I needed in someone to make me laugh. My smile was permanent, and we were the best at having fun. We were adventurers. We created. You inspired my imagination, and taught me to see the beauty in things that are already here. I discovered that mutual orgasms are not a myth, and the way you looked at me made me feel a fire inside. I loved the way you reacted to me, and it was always a good time to be your one woman show. I have never been more comfortable with anyone, and we were happy to do nothing together. You weren't afraid to be vulnerable, and you were always excited to see me.

If relationships were a Choose Your Own Adventure book, you and I would always go to the same page. I hate you as much as I love you, because you are undeniable.

And you...you understand me. You get why I make the choices I do, even when you know that I know I could be making better ones. You have never made me feel negative about myself, while always making me strive to be a better version. You know that I'm not perfect, but think that I am perfection. You understand the importance of surprises. You encourage my sensuality, and know exactly what I want before I tell you. You are unwavering, and you will always be there.

I have found the aspects of the person I want to be with. I'm just trying to find the whole package. I'm tired of falling in love with bits and pieces. I don't want to spend my life wishing that this or that was different about someone. I truly think that there is a person out there that complements me perfectly.