Oh yeah! Oh, no! My dad's gonna be pissed!

I think I'm going to go ahead with my super secret 2010 project. It all depends on if I can get it together tomorrow for the preliminary video. Mmhm.

Tomorrow is day 5 of 7 at work, and then there are four days in a row that I do not have to even think about that place and I am ecstatic about that thought. After being with a self proclaimed 'harsh task-master' for a supervisor for the holiday weekend, I just want a little peace before the new year, can you say hallelujah.

For the record, Big Jon makes the best fucking brownies I have ever eaten in my entire life. I can't believe I didn't really like brownies, but I just didn't know that could be that good. Oh my goodness.

For the first time in over a month, I can work on a knitting project for myself. AND I can organize the very first Crafty Night. I'm going to start just a once monthly get together to judge the interest and then hopefully go bimonthly. I just freakin' love crafts. It's ridiculous. And I have an entire closet full of things that get crafty with.

I don't have new years resolutions, but if I did it would consist of action action action. I don't want to feel like any of my time could have been spent doing something more worthwhile. This doesn't necessarily mean that every moment of my life must be outwardly productive, but I want to feel a sense of motion to the workings of my days. Even if it is a gentle swaying.

My cat is beautiful.

Mother of...purl?

So, Ravelry sked me for my blog, and I remembered that this one existed so I'm going to see if I can't make that work for me.

What is right?

Sad bastard.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to end up alone not because no one loves me, but because too many people do and I can't possibly make them all happy.

I'm such a barefoot cobbler.

Musing.

I have spent the last eight years on my life in a string of committed relationships. A loop of coincidence, continually finding people to capture my mind and heart. But all of them fell short in one way or another.

Do you ever make excuses for people? Of course you do. We all do. It's caulk we use to fill the gaps of our relationships. Most people call this compromise, which I'm fully supportive of when necessary. But I'm fucking sick of it. I look back at my past relationships and think "What the fuck was I smoking to think that this could have worked?". And I'm going to tell you exactly what I found.

We bonded over our love of music, and the importance of lyrics. The way they could often say the things we couldn't find words for. We were each other's first love, first heartbreak, first experience of moving on.

You never questioned me. If something was, it just WAS. I can wake up every day being happy knowing that you exist in the world, and finding warmth in your happiness even if it isn't with me.

We waxed intelligent, and fell in love with each others knowledge. Proper grammar and spelling was our foreplay. We were bank in fifty-cent words and useless trivia.

You were kind. You cared for everyone before yourself, and you understood the importance of family and why I keep mine so close.

You were a mystery. I never tired of learning more about you. It wasn't an angle, either. You just held your cards close until someone cared enough to ask you to share. You always knew the importance of the little things in life.

I never knew passion until I met you. I thought I had. I really did. But the moment we couldn't breathe because we were close to other, I realize how wrong that assumption was. You showed me that I'm not broken, and that I can orgasm during sex. You've been the only one to find me attractive BECAUSE of the ass my momma gave me and that I'm not always the girl who gets the second glance, not learn to love it. You always made me feel beautiful, and neverendingly WANTED. Our affair started because of the communication. Being open and free to ask what you were thinking, knowing I would get the truth, was absolutely intoxicating. Words have never been so sexy.

You had the body I never knew I wanted. For a brief moment, I felt completely superficial and in awe that I was with someone that I found so attractive. Just looking at you made me ready. I'm sad that our history was so brief.

You were everything I needed in someone to make me laugh. My smile was permanent, and we were the best at having fun. We were adventurers. We created. You inspired my imagination, and taught me to see the beauty in things that are already here. I discovered that mutual orgasms are not a myth, and the way you looked at me made me feel a fire inside. I loved the way you reacted to me, and it was always a good time to be your one woman show. I have never been more comfortable with anyone, and we were happy to do nothing together. You weren't afraid to be vulnerable, and you were always excited to see me.

If relationships were a Choose Your Own Adventure book, you and I would always go to the same page. I hate you as much as I love you, because you are undeniable.

And you...you understand me. You get why I make the choices I do, even when you know that I know I could be making better ones. You have never made me feel negative about myself, while always making me strive to be a better version. You know that I'm not perfect, but think that I am perfection. You understand the importance of surprises. You encourage my sensuality, and know exactly what I want before I tell you. You are unwavering, and you will always be there.

I have found the aspects of the person I want to be with. I'm just trying to find the whole package. I'm tired of falling in love with bits and pieces. I don't want to spend my life wishing that this or that was different about someone. I truly think that there is a person out there that complements me perfectly.

Sleep, or the lackthereof

Every night I say I'm going to get a good nights sleep.

Every night I end up wasting my time doing something far less rewarding.

Like updating a blog.

Everything.

I have a lot of thoughts going 'round in my head, that for no reason of consequence I'd like to get down on virtual paper.

Sometimes, I'll look in the mirror and say "Who are you?" until, like a Magic Eye poster, my view shifts and I see myself from an outside view. Completely apart from my own conscious, as if I'm a third party to my own head. And it is terrifying and strange to think of myself not as the center of my own universe, but one person like any other, living life and making choices that shape it. It's the moment that I realize what makes us so special is that we really do think mostly about ourselves simply because that is who we spend the most time with. It's odd to think about it as spending time with yourself, but it's true. I have conversations in my head all the time. More often than not it's just called 'thinking'.

I don't know where it started, this desire to make people happy. Or how I can be so good and so incredibly awful at it. Or why I think that people wont be just as happy with me if I don't alter myself to how I think they'd like to see me. Speaking with a friend yesterday, I said it was akin to controlling a soundboard. I never pretend to be someone I'm not, but I do mute parts of myself while turning up others, depending on who I'm with. All to create the perfect compliment for my company. That's why it's hard for me to be around many people at once. I don't do well dividing my attention between people. It's hard to be a happy medium for me.

I know that some may say that that is what having a wide variety of friends is for, so that you have someone for all the different parts of yourself. Someone to go hiking with, to play boardgames, to get excited about chick flicks, to pretend to be homeless with :) I guess that I'm always going to be on a search for someone that I can be around with everything at full volume, if you will. Maybe it doesn't exist, and that it's asking for too much. In fact, i know it is. Most things in life are a compromise. I don't believe that that is going to stop me from wanting that companion.

The reason I feel I'm dreadful at pleasing people is because I can't keep it up. It becomes something that I need to run away from. I want so much to make other people feel good, even at my own expense, that I continue to do so until I can't take it anymore. At which case, i stop being the person that makes them happy and everything they thought they had is suddenly gone. And with all the happiness, a power is created to make them feel like shit. What I need to do is to not go beyond my own means in being someone for someone else. Find the line between selfless and selfish.

I read an article that said the cure for all of the things that you need to do but have put off is to just do them, because once you do you feel really accomplished. And it's true. But its the getting that inertia that is the hardest part for me. Continually.

I had so many more thoughts, but I got distracted.

Cold.

It is so cold outside, and inside, and everyone. I feel as though my internal temperature has gone down a couple degrees. I have my scarf wrapped around my head and I am INSIDE. My space heater is on, and I have a sweater draped across my lap. I am at work. You'd think, a workspace should be acceptable to be able to WORK IN.

It's only supposed to get colder, too. Global warming - where is the warm?

Score!

Stopped at a Salvation Army on the way home today and found this dress that I totally fell in love with, despite having no apparent reason to wear it. But oh my heck, it was only FIVE DOLLARS. I'm sorry, but I am too much of a bargain hunter to give up such a deal. Plus, I look smokin' in it.

Proof:

And also, I was feeling a bit photo-y, so I took this one as well:

I didn't notice that luchador in my closet until after I had already taken the picture. Oh, well. I am now realizing how long my hair has gotten, too. Bonus!

New year.

I'm not going to make any resolutions, by the way.

I'm just going to continue my search for things that make me feel good about who I am and what I do with the time I have. I think that will be enough.