I did my first group class today, and it was a strength/muscle training sort of class that kicked my ass completely. I never would have done the sort of repetitions that it required of me on my own, but because there was someone calling the shots and other people around me doing it as well, I did it. Fifty freakin' minutes of it. I was jelly afterward, and with a whole new determination to not be this body anymore. I don't feel the way I look, and I'd like for those two things to become far more cohesive than they currently are. The funniest thing about how I managed to get through today was that competition gave me the extra edge I needed. Just the desire to not be the worst person in the class. In a lot of cases my competitive nature can work against me, but this time it may be my saving grace. Hey, whatever it takes.
I think I'm ready to admit it, but...I'm terrified every Sunday evening of going to work for Monday. For the first time in years I dread going to my job. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out if I made the right move, and while I'm confident that I did...I wonder if I'm going to live to tell anyone that it was. I know that my own bad decisions will ultimately be the reason that I fail if I let it get in the way of the great work that I am capable of. I'm an amazing worker, with a talent for the things that I do and I just need to step it up and accept that for the first time in my working career I am being CHALLENGED. Being good no longer cuts it. I'm being forced to prove that I deserve to be where I am, every day, and I'm really uncomfortable saying that this is a first for me. It's no longer effortless, and it wears on me in ways that I'm not used to. People who succeed in life the most are the ones who are the worst equipped to deal with failure, and I don't know how to lose.
So I guess I just better win.
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